I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
