I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
