just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
