He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
