He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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