2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
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