having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
