drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
my liver is dry heaving
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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