I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Success! We fucked roommates!
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