Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
