Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
