i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
