now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
