Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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