I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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