i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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