If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
