Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
