The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
