Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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