Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
