I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
