Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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