How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize