Michael Bay diarrhea
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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