turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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