it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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