I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
