I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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