it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
