My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
