I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
