take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
