i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Can you bring me the toilet please
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
