So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
