Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
