I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
That accounts for only three of the penises
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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