turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
