oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
