i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
