At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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