he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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