He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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