I wish my penis had an off switch
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
