she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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