I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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