Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
