btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
