we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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