____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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