im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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