I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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