happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
