I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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