im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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