How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
