i already hear my dad disowning me
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize