a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
