There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
