We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize