Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My penis needs a shock collar
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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